Here are some TV ideas I’ve had for when the BBC come calling:

BANKSIDE

James Bolam plays Geoff Bankside a maverick policeman forced into early retirement by the Met. He now lives on a houseboat on the bankside, and other policeman have to bring him crimes that they can’t solve. He either refuses to come off off his houseboat until he’s cleared his name, or has just developed a phobia to land (for some some reason). For ITV1.

PRAWN CRACKERS

David Yip and Burt Kwouk star as a father and son who run an failing Chinese takeaway. The pair read that they can receive significant tax breaks if they employ their staff from the local mental hospital and thus save the business, with hilarious consequences. For BBC3.

BOMBAY MICKS

The new Auf Weidersehen Pet. A group of Irish builders take on a job in India. They complain about the spicy food and are casually racist, with hilarious consequences. Stars Colm Meany and the old man from Robin’s Nest who has never been young. Alternative title: MumbaIrish.